a rant

I am getting the itch to walk away from all the things I have been working towards for a more spontaneous life. It has been a long time since I have been able to indulge my innermost interests. My career is fulfilling, don't get me wrong, and it will allow for a pretty good lifestyle. But I have too many things I want to do, and I'm feeling tied down. I'd like to see if I could make it in the art scene with my painting and photography, and I'd like to get involved in film and music. I have connections that could help me get a foot in the industry. I would like to get a primal music group together too. I would like to finish my book. I would like to teach yoga. I would like to see if I could get anywhere as an athlete and cyclist. I would love to move to New Zealand for a while. I would love to move to New York with Allison to see where that would go and to see if I could scrape together money for food and rent. I would love to do something completely illogical purely because life is short. I would like to spend a year at a Buddhist monastery just to grow as a person. I would love to tour the country from city to city, and then do it again on my road bike. I want to paraglide and fly fish in Chile, and freesolo the ocean walls in Thailand.

I am complaining about this knowing that it isn't a legitimate gripe. I should be content right now. I will be building my own place next spring with my brother and a friend, I have a teaching offer on the table at the airport, I live in one the the most ideal places for my interests, et cetera. So why do I feel like throwing it away? Why do I feel like quitting after a very expensive education and much hard work? Jason says it'll be worth it once I get past this little hurdle. I tend to agree. But life is short, and sometimes for the sake of my future, and the sake of security (which really doesn't exist) I am missing out on something. Is it a case of seeing greener pastures elsewhere, or am I genuinely stuck in a rut of routine that, while rewarding, is growing evermore dull?

Am I feeling the yearnings for a life that I used to live, one full of wandering, art, freedom, new people and experiences, and occasionally depression (which would lead to more art), or am I just experiencing the consequences of dating a gypsy? I feel so old and boring in comparison, and I can't imagine why she would be interested in the happenings of my life. In fact, I know I will have a hard time keeping up with hers. Maybe that's good though. There is the possibility that just like opposite personalities attract in some ways, opposite lives follow the same rule. While she and I are amazingly good for each other, our lives are so different. Maybe I make her feel grounded while she makes me feel somewhat free.

Maybe I am thinking too hard about it all. Maybe I should be grateful; I am fortunate. I may whine, but don't let it fool ya, I am stoked. I must be I love... *wanders off singing*