I am trying to decide if I made a wrong turn somewhere, or if I actually averted destruction. It's easy to look back and see the blunders. It's not difficult to remember the passed forks in the road where life could have been dramatically different, had I just made one simple turn. I keep asking myself if I would be in a better place right now had I picked another path. It's a slippery slope to step onto, because once one decision is questioned, they are all fair game. The truth is I probably dodged a fair bit of rocky side roads, but it's impossible to tell. But enough with this metaphor.
I used to be much better at letting go of the past, which decisions I made, focusing on the now and the 'morrow, instead of the ever fuzzy past. It's all an illusion, and little facts tend to be ommited, so why do I constantly judge, analyze, question? I'm like those birds you see trying to figure the angle better, bobbing their heads up and down over and over again, rechecking the perspective. Except with me it serves almost no purpose, right? Relationships failed, oportunities passed, friends chosen, friends lost, avocation... it all swirls through my mind, even if nothing can be changed.
Then again, can something be learned? I swear if I hear anyone say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I'll break my pacifistic streak and punch him or her (I don't descriminate). Then again... in the end, if I wring my past out like the worn out rag that it is, I might actually gain something from it. And my future needs all the help it can get... or should I say I need all the help I can get. So why not... what hasn't killed me, will only make me stronger. Yeah, I cringed while writing that.
5 comments:
Yeah!! New posts :)
Hey Son, I like the new mug shot. Where did you come up with that one? I don't think I have seen it before. And, what a writer you are, maybe you could sell some of this stuff :-). I guess I should take you up on the blog making thing, but I would need to have you do the writing:-)
Love you, Mom
Of course you would say that Mum. But trust me, if there were anyone wanting to buy any of this, it'd be packaged and sold already.
Ok I left you a small novel of a reply to your comment on my blog. But since this is of the same sort of topic....Ill give you a condensed version..
First it does no good to second guess your past choices. For good or bad..they are gone. So you either learned from them or you are destined to repeat them.
Secondly...people let you down. That is life. But I believe it comes down to Do you let the bad behavior or actions of others change and determine the kind of person you choose to be?
I think its easy to use those who have let you down or hurt you as a reason to close the door and not let anyone pass through again.
But that only hurts you in the end. Its better to be able to look yourself in the eye and know you are living your life the way you believe...and being true to yourself. Life is too short Drew...everyone makes mistakes..everyone falls on their ass..either by chance or because they were pushed. Its not about the fall...its about how you choose to stand back up thats important.
ps....I think youre wrong I think you are still one of the good guys.
Glad to see you back : )
I think you're right Jen. And I just pictured myself trying to look myself in the eye without the use of a mirror. Looks a bit like a dog chasing its tail.
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