poison

I drank a beer and a bottle of wine last night. This is getting stupid. I was going to claim that I am doing it for art, to help me paint. I was going to write about how stupid that is, but for any of you who know me, there is no need to explain, and I already said it was stupid the second sentence. I operate better on tea or coffee, not a bottle and drunkenness... at least in the long run. Sure it'll cause some inner funk to come out of my mind and splash all nice-like onto my canvas, but I will diminish into some sub-functioning human that can't get anywhere but down. I'm trying to fight it off, and I know that it's hard for people to understand, but that is my plight. If I could trade it for some other more convenient personality flaw, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.

The thing is depression isn't just hard for me, it's cruel for others. Understanding depression is hard, if not impossible, if you aren't prone to it. It's like describing color to a blind person. Sometimes the contrast of depression makes life more beautiful, and sometimes it hurts so bad that I can't hardly move. I just get tired of feeling like I drag those close to me down. It makes me feel like a burden.

I have a headache from the wine. I'm sure it was the wine that did it, not the beer. That sweet elixer of the gods has a real menacing bite in the morning. That was really stupid. At the very least, I could have drank just half. Thing is, if I keep going at this rate I will be able to down a bottle, and then some and not feel a thing in the morning. And that is not a good accomplishment.