fire water.

I shouldn't be on here; I've been drinking. But when I drink (which is rare these days) I tend to want to write. So here I am, stuck in a monologue that will probably not come out right. At least from what I can tell I can still spell somewhat. I won't use spell check either-- just for posterity. Okay, that's a lie, just used it to check the word posterity. From now on, it's just a rant that I won't re-read. I promise.

It's funny how quickly one can spiral into ... whatever it is I have become in this moment. You could probably define it as me being pathetic, or maybe something else, but be careful, I'm not depressed. I should be, that's one thing I am sure of. Not because my life is so bad, but because I could be so fucking miserable in my great life. I've done well, and I've been fortunate. Instead of thinking about how many amazing people I have known deeply, I think about how they aren't here now. My philosophy and religion explains it as suffering caused by desire-- a desire that isn't met. And there you go. I need to stop the wanting. It usually works to try and see it in that way. But I made the mistake of spending an evening doing my laundry and drinking and watching movies.

It's Friday night and here I am, 2:35 a.m. counting down to December, which, I must say, brings good tidings. First and foremost (only because I'm going in order), my birthday (7th). Born on Pearl Harbor day. That's a horrible day to be born on. Then again, I know someone who has thier wedding anniversary on 9/11. I guess it could be worse. Okay, next, Allison will be back on the mainland, and I can see her. She is bringing me flowers. I was once asked if I would like recieving flowers from a woman... I think I will. Then my sister(in law... I hate adding that part, but otherwise people get confused) will be popping out a baby boy(16th). I can't wait... the next generation of Cheney, God help us all. These genes can't be stopped!!! Then my sister is getting married(22nd)... to a Burgman. I want to dislike him, but he's too likable.

Then Christmas. While it's not my holliday, it's my family's, and I love them, and so it is a good day of celibration. Secretly, I always wished I could believe what they do, but try as I did, I couldn't. All growing up. But hey, not everyone gets to be apart of the family religious club. I was never very good at it, and accept for the whole pacifist thing I'm not even a good Buddhist. But that's neither her nor there. I'm excited. Not to mention just after December I will have my new job teaching people how to fly airplanes. Now there's a scary thought.

In the end, I think it is my insecurities that has inspired this. I finally met someone, and I'm frightened out of my mind. I'm worried I'll mess it up. I'm worried I'll say something stupid. I'm really concerned that I might begin to care for someone again, and it could hurt. She is thousands of miles away, living it up in Hawaii, and I have no idea why she wants to come back to me. She says she does, but what then? She goes back to New York, I stay here? There's not much future here for her career, and honestly, I don't know if she's looking for what I am. But I can't help myself. So I'll wait here nervously for three or so months to see if there's anything of substance. I guess patients is key right now.

Well, this ingen has had too much fire water. Time for me to stop.