I've been taking care of my parent's house while they are out of town... watering the plants, getting the mail, mowing the lawn, eating all their food and drinking all their drinks... all said and done I'm leaving the house in worse shape than when they left.
Tonight I was getting the mail, and inside I saw a picture of my family when I was about four or five, still towheaded, and still always smiling hugely at the world before it taught me not to do so. I got the unexplainable urge to go room to room and try and recall the memories. After gazing at every picture in every room in the house, I realized that my childhood was the closest thing to perfection I have ever seen. It is a dream I can barely remember, but it is still there, completely un-fettered and un-fucked with. I don't think I can provide that kind of life for a family. Not even close. I don't know if I would want to either, because it is debatable which is worse; having a hard childhood, or having one that is so unadulterated and flawless that adult life will always seem tarnished in comparison.
Maybe I am just being dramatic. Maybe the difference isn't so large. I may have become so cynical, so negative, pessimistic, so fucking depressing that I don't enjoy the beauty all the time. Certainly there are moments in life where beauty falls through the sky so hard that it drips through the cracks and ceilings.. but they are monsoons in a desert that I call my life. I must be jaded, because they joys that were there are stifled. I am not depressed. I have been there, and I know that feeling.
Good things happen, and I spit on the ground and glare at it. Who knows why. Probably because I figure since everything is short lived, why fall in love with any of it at all? Bali and Bryce say that I am in love with my sadness. Maybe so.
Maybe I am sick enough to smile when I hurt, when I am lonely, when I really shouldn't smile at all. And when I am happy? Well, I am just pissed at it reminding me what won't stick around. Or perhaps, I just live in hues of grey, and neither sides of the emotional scale have much effect.
Maybe I'm just lonely.
4 comments:
chin up my love, things will be turning around for you sooner or later. i have faith...
Everything is a choice isnt it? The only thing we have any control over is our choices.
So it comes down to are you going to make the best of life, even with all its ups and downs twists and turns. Or do you only dwell on the negetives?
But its always your choice.
I liked the post.
when I write it comes out negative all on its own. I myself am not that negative. It must be my keyboard.
Well I suppose if you have to get rid of the negative..The blog is a good place to do it. Therapy is expensive and the blog is free.
*grin*
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