Okay... I'm drunk. And very lonely. Funny thing is I 'don't drink'. Ooops. I guess that's what you get when you spend over a week isolated and by yourself. A drunken mess. The wine just augmented my loneliness... I really miss Cate. Bryce and Leslie blew me off today. Bali had me over, but then again, he is always there, and so somehow that doesn't make me feel much better. He's the guy that will always spend time with me. Suppose that's because he has a spiritual interest in me (he's also my buddhist mentor). He encouraged me tonight, but nothing changes the fact that I'm hundreds of miles away from where I want to be. Hmmm... desire. That leads to misery. Desire is from ignorance of the truth. The funny thing is I am aware of the truth, but nowhere the kind of man to stick to it. I did so well cutting out alcohol and smoking, sexual desires (okay, not as well, but I tried) and so on and so fourth. Now I'm in a dark hole. I really wish I could leave this place. But I'm fucking stuck here by myself. I could pull my hair out if it were long enough... I'm supposed to leave Cate a message. Her phone was running out of batteries on her way to a party. ................................OOOHHHH...... the room is spinning. I shouldn't finish this beer. But I can't leave a wounded soldier.
I really want a hug. I want to cry, but the reality is I don't have tears left for this life. Nope. It's thrown enough shit at me to make me feel like an old man. I just knew I shouldn't have gotten started with the alcohol thing... now I'm spiraling downwards into a stupid depressing state. Again. I friggen know better. I'm out. Peace.
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