finding the light switch

I am sitting here, wanting a cigarette, and wishing for some excitement in life. I'm not ready to settle down, I know that... but I have this girl waiting for me to be ready, wanting me to be ready, and saying that she is. She thinks she loves me. She thinks she wants a life time with me. I don't know why at all. All I know is there is a lot of shit I have planned to do before I'm ready for all that stuff.

Work starts early...up at six a.m. But the funny thing is it's always so far away until I'm stuck in that next moment. I'm about half ready to just fuck it all and start wandering around. Worrying about my next meal more than my next day of work might be good for me.

And I realize I'm running from my past, hiding from my present, and cowering away from my future. I can't face that book I wrote yet. Not right now, because right now I feel okay, but I sense it sliping away. Worse of all is I don't like where I am going. I need healing that I can't find.

So it's 1.33 now. I'm thinking I've got issues. I've been watching Requiem for a Dream. I look at how fucked up those people are, and I almost feel that way sometimes, even though I know I'm not that close to utter madness.

Soon, I fucking swear on my own life... I swear... Soon I'm going to leave this shithole town and find myself for the second time. I need to be reminded that life still exists beyond mine, which is pathetic at best. Somehow though, if the right music plays at exactly the right moment, I feel like I might pass through with a few tears left, and a few smiles, and a hand to hold, and I feel okay. And so I clear up my mind, sigh, pull out my contacts, grab my blanket and wrap it around me, find the light switch, and turn it off.