Something of a Life

Closed

2008-06-09T23:20:00.001-07:00

After 330 very personal posts, I have closed this blog.

I have some gripes!

2008-06-04T15:59:00.000-07:00

"That's for sure": The more I hear this phrase, the more I want to tear my ears off my head and feed them to the birds outside. It by far is more obnoxious than "golly gee!", "gee wiz", "gee willickers!", and "boy oh boy". These are only less irritating due to their retro/classic nature. If "that's for sure" weren't so prolific, then fine. However, it seems once someone adds this phrase to their repertoire, it takes root, and flourishes. Then every sentence ends with this generic affirmation. It is the black hole of creative speech.

Whiners about fuel prices: We've had years and years of warning. Shut up.

Lou Dobbs: You are so out of touch and full of yourself that I wouldn't even know where to start. You are the ringleader of the media monkeys who think that what they are talking about (see flag pins below) actually matters, and that their opinions are 'news'. Four letter words aren't good enough for you, Lou.

Cable News: The only thing more annoying to me than Hillary Clinton's behavior as of late, is the political analysts who most often miss the point. There is much talk about strategy, petty issues like flag pins and guest pastors at churches, or how tired the candidates look on a particular day, while key issues are left on the side of the road like roadkill...

Big Media thinkers keep talking about ways of bringing Hillary Clinton's supporters over to Obama by combining a ticket, even when their constituents do not overlap as much as past Democratic candidates. His base transcends party lines, and that is why he was able to pass Sen. Clinton in this race. The old way of party vs party, and rallying the two isles behind a candidate hopefully are going to become less common. Our donkey and elephant parties do not represent what they once did, and are increasingly evolving, hopefully ending with extinction. In all honesty, our government would be better off without party affiliations. If there wasn't this bipartisan gridlock, perhaps positive change could result. In the end, the time I have spent listening to journalists, while the blood in my veins boiled, will never be recoverable. I could have just hit myself in the head with a brick and I'd been better 0ff.

Dog vs Bitch (ghasp):
Just think about it. Why is it so less offensive to call a guy a dog (the negative connotation), whereas it's feminine counterpart is so much more out of line. It's like many naughty or negative words which seem very un... naughty to me. If you want to argue that there are more intelligent words available, I completely agree. Hmph.

I think that'll do it for today. I'm trying to start writing again, but to be completely sincere, I find it extremely difficult to pour a full glass. Oh well..

about my rant you will never read

2008-05-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

I was going to write something, but then I decided to censor myself, and just save it as a draft. Some things aren't meant to be shared with others. But I do feel better after writing my rant. I just don't write as much anymore because I am keenly aware that others read this crap. And to be honest, I'm not as anxious as I used to be to put my thoughts in the public. I finally realized that people are pretty much stuck in their ways and are otherwise unreceptive with just about everything. So why waste my breath, right? Cheers to all the know-it-alls.

A quick thought (computer is fixed!!)

2008-04-17T00:54:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling increasingly alienated from my culture and the people that surround me day in and day out. It's hard to find people who agree that American Idol, greeting cards, Valentines Day, fake tan lotion, and the IPhone are abominations to existence. I find myself in constant battles with friends and family for my irrational (according to American ways) thoughts. Surely, can't you all see that cell phones with that much power are just the beginning of the end, an end where we all gather around the television to watch people be humiliated and judged for the sounds the belch out of their faces, all in some hope for fame and money? Maybe the Mayans were right, maybe by 2012 this weird place will be so different that it will require a New Era title. First it's this, then it will be The [real] Terminator... and I'm not referring to Arnie being Governor. Though that reality is still very freightening for me. Someone hold me.

the monday muse

2008-03-31T19:08:00.000-07:00

I am trying to decide if I made a wrong turn somewhere, or if I actually averted destruction. It's easy to look back and see the blunders. It's not difficult to remember the passed forks in the road where life could have been dramatically different, had I just made one simple turn. I keep asking myself if I would be in a better place right now had I picked another path. It's a slippery slope to step onto, because once one decision is questioned, they are all fair game. The truth is I probably dodged a fair bit of rocky side roads, but it's impossible to tell. But enough with this metaphor.

I used to be much better at letting go of the past, which decisions I made, focusing on the now and the 'morrow, instead of the ever fuzzy past. It's all an illusion, and little facts tend to be ommited, so why do I constantly judge, analyze, question? I'm like those birds you see trying to figure the angle better, bobbing their heads up and down over and over again, rechecking the perspective. Except with me it serves almost no purpose, right? Relationships failed, oportunities passed, friends chosen, friends lost, avocation... it all swirls through my mind, even if nothing can be changed.

Then again, can something be learned? I swear if I hear anyone say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I'll break my pacifistic streak and punch him or her (I don't descriminate). Then again... in the end, if I wring my past out like the worn out rag that it is, I might actually gain something from it. And my future needs all the help it can get... or should I say I need all the help I can get. So why not... what hasn't killed me, will only make me stronger. Yeah, I cringed while writing that.

a good way to waste a sunday

2008-03-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

I sat down to read the news on cnn.com and realized that I am going to have to brew another pot of coffee to slurp down on my way through this muddy mess of goodness. The horror and destruction of the day is almost surreal, unreal, plasticized. Yet this is not unlike most days, and I, like most, am a bit too calloused to the ongoing woes of the world. In fact, I have found that I often view the news like one would a Sunday soccer match, internally or externally shouting at the reporters about the style or method in which they deliver the daily mayhem. Bad events are going to greet us every day, so why not at least make them more interesting than the re-runs of Seinfeld, That 70's Show, and the increasingly obnoxious regurgitation's of Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond. So, with a fresh cup of joe and a glass full of my favorite green sludge health drink, I'm going to run through the new tidbits with the simple observations of a sportscaster. Who needs the details anyway?

Today a corporate jet pummeled into some rural homes in England. Some were evac'd out, and it wasn't said if any of the residents were killed in the process. It's a tragedy to be sure, one that I recognize more than most being a pilot. Very few headlines perk my interests like a plane or helicopter crash. It might sound deprived, but I am always enthralled by a good aeronautical incident. I even read NTSB accident reports for not only education, but entertainment. And just like ethnic slurs can be used by those particular groups for some reason, I can enjoy a plane or rotorcraft crash and nobody (except, perhaps, fellow pilots) can tell me otherwise. It's better them than me I say. We all find ways to deal with our mortality and our avocational hazards. Mine is to laugh at it, because the next time it might actually be me. I say this all with the utmost respect and sorrow for the people involved. So judge me if you must, but that's how I get by.

The next headline just made me laugh a bit. Tibet speaker: Dalai Lama not behind riots . I'm glad they established that one of the world's most prominent advocates for peace and the winner of the 1989 Nobel Peace Prize, did not in fact encourage a violant riot against Chinese authorities. A+ for clearing that one up CNN.

I have decided to skip the war news, however North and South Korea are verbally throwing punches and threatening pre-emptive and reactionary strikes, nuclear and non nuclear, retaliations, and general obliteration of the opposing sides. A KNCA Military commenter was quoted saying "Everything will be in ashes, not just a sea of fire, if our advanced pre-emptive strike once begins". For those of us who remember little of the cold war, we now have another opportunity to experience the joys of fearing nuclear fallout. Lucky us.

Unfortunately I can't make sarcastic, tasteless, witless comments on the news piece about whether Chelsea Clinton, or the college student asking a question about a past Clinton family scandal and its effect on Hillary's current campaign, was out of line. Chelsea's reaction was on par with her mother's "Shame on you Barak Obama!" statement. I saw the question presented on television some time back, and quite frankly I am surprised to see it is still in the news. Regardless, the article is presented in video format for lazy people who dislike reading. And I haven't any speakers. In this instance, I get the feeling I was spared a delicately prepared dish of bullshit.

This all makes me think that the media could probably find more news to cover than the same soundbites over and over again. According to the the U.S. Census Bureau, world population as of 21:47 GMT today is 6,658,179,659. With that many human beings roaming this planet, it is almost unreasonable that CNN can't find better news to fill their less than 24 hours of coverage every day. Some of the better stories are glossed over while a panel of "The best political team on television" debates the Chelsea Clinton vs College Student incident.

Granted, I could have focused on the news report about the running of the sheep in Waikato, New Zealand, but it's hard to gripe about some 2,000 sheep mocking the running of the bulls. In fact, that story almost makes me as cheery as the headline Cheetahs attack woman at cat sanctuary does . Damnit, I'm starting to smile...

Cin Cin! (ie ching ching, eg cheers).

2008-03-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

I have visited 8 countries (3%) and 13 states in the US (25%). While I'm not all too concerned about visiting the rest of the US, my recent (and total) global exposure is looking mighty slim and malnourished. It's been a while since I have traveled far, and living vicariously through Anthony Bourdain and the rest of the paid travelers on the Travel Channel is simply not going to cut it for much longer. I am really going to have to throw myself a delicious bit of travel, as we know it's not good to be all skin and bones.

And as I sit here, ready to open up my version Pandora's Box (by writing), the title Something of a Life is taking on a new form of sarcasm. I can hear my own blase tone of voice hinting that it's part of what could be considered a life, and the rest is just a record stuck on the same boring song. I have been wading through the quagmire of Central Oregon life for a while now, and it is creating a sensation of being stuck on what I like to call The Deschutes Treadmill of Life. Which is to say I have been working at going somewhere, but I have succeeded in only demonstrating that I get easily winded.

Of course now that brings me back to the mythical box of who-knows-what-kind of bad stuff... the only difference between that one and mine is that I know what lies in my box, and it's that eternal pessimism that I am known for. It has been experienced by many, and is well documented in the layers of this blog.

Fortunately, my angst filled emo-tantrums are safely embedded deep in archives, to be viewed and reviewed by only me. So bring out your favorite toasting glasses everyone... here's to me resuming the blog that I said I would never return to. We can only hope that having family readers this time might keep me from going to the Dark Side as often. If that doesn't do the trick, I am in trouble, because you really can't count on my maturity, optimism, humor and good nature for that. Such small quantities of such qualities and character rarely keep someone in a glass-half-full state. However, for your protection and for mine, I'll do my best to keep what I write on a short leash, though I can't see why anyone would want to read anything overly joyous, happy, and otherwise ignorant. I know I wouldn't. But it's not my fault, I blame genetics.

I'm done...

2007-09-12T01:32:00.000-07:00

After 317 posts, quite a while, many breaks, and much too much whining, I no longer want to make public my private thoughts. My blog is closed.

sunset

2007-09-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

A little bit of emptiness is humbling, but when the pale overflows with in the emotional hemorrhage of complete loneliness and the body starts to ache from being so hollow, it ceases to serve any purpose. I feel like I am outside looking in, unable to reach a stranger in my own body. I keep trying to get the attention of the scared kid that I am staring at, but there's no response. I know this feeling is most likely caused by the state of my life mixed with a bit of remaining teen angst that I haven't completely gotten rid of, but that doesn't offer much sollace. I'm am unfinished.

The setting sky, however, is a perfect finish to one less day in my life. Its sheer burst of visual flavors remind me of the countdown, and I only hope I will grow as an individual at the pace that is needed to do something worthy of remembering before unawareness wraps itself around my lifeless body.

Soon I will start my flight training over again in helicopters, with the vague hope that I can do something to help humanity. I am almost starting completely over again. I'm okay with that. I need something to pull me out of my habbit of self pitty.

I keep telling myself I am okay. While I know this to be true, sometimes I do not feel that way. I miss her warmth, even if she hurt me. That love I lost I now give to the world around me, I hope it is enough.

can he do it??

2007-09-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

I might start writting again, though I desperately want to avoid sounding like a self involved Emo bastard. We shall see if I can pull that off, because if I start sliding down that slippery slope I will have to send myself to the corner again. And I hate getting punished....

la verita'

2007-04-11T21:01:00.000-07:00

love sucks.

ode to my car

2007-03-12T18:01:00.000-07:00

My truck struck 140,000 miles this week on a trip down to Eurika. It's done well. Here's to the life of my car, hoping it'll last the many thousands of miles I still have to drag it through.

It takes The Drew where he wants to go,

even though he may not know where that is.

it looks more beautiful the more dirt it exhibits;

you pretty, muddy siren of freedom.

I love you, you filthy guzzler of earth destroying fossil fuel.

20 gripes and then some

2007-03-06T16:11:00.000-08:00

I'm back. Not so sure that I'll be too active or consistent. I just need to vent. Who doesn't like spewing from time to time, right?

Gripe #1: I thought taking a break from writing might help me focus my mind on things that make me feel more centered, but low and behold, I'm back, worse for wear, with my mind more cluttered than my car. Yeah, it's bad. At least I'm still a non smoker. There's always that... I could start to pollute my lungs again.

Gripe #2: I'm moving to Alaska where the winters get below -60f every winter. I might have a job there. I might not. Allison and I continue to exchange emotional blows back and fourth. I wish we didn't do it, but we do. What can I say, it's probably connected with me being a royal example of a dick.

Gripe #3: I still haven't finished my commercial pilot rating. I still haven't started doing yoga every day. My meditation is spotty, rarely more than a few minutes here and there, I haven't learned to just shut up -- that's what women want-- I'm terribly addicted to coffee... or caffeine, I haven't washed my car in many months, or cleaned the inside, I haven't started cycling again... which means I continue to loose muscle, and gain insulation.

What is going to make me a worthwhile human being? I doubt a threat on my life would get me going. Not that I'm asking any of the creepy internet users to do so, I'm just making a point.

Gripe #4: I have dreadlocks now, and as everyone knows, pilots don't have dreadlocks. I don't know one besides myself. And I don't think I know one person who'd want the pilot in charge of one of those buses with wings we call airplanes to have dreadies. In fact, I might as well wear a shirt that says "Irresponsible Hippie on Psychedelic Drugs." Sadly, I'm not a fan of drugs, I don't even like preservatives. Aluminum cans make me nervous. I live in the mountains to avoid fumes and pollution. I buy organic food only. I try to avoid alcohol (and pilots like to drink, as everyone knows). Yet since I have a few clean knots in my hair, that I put up in a dread tam when at work, I might not nail down a job. I keep teetering on the edge, I might just go wander around, hitch hike, etc.

Gripe #5: I am whining.

Gripe #6: My car now has 140,000 miles on it.

Gripe #7: I have an uneven number of wool socks. Where do they go?

Gripe #8: I have to borrow this computer to gripe. My computer is dead.

Gripe #9: My back hurts, my bad knee is still bad, my vision sucks without contacts or glasses, my broken finger continues to bend... soon the joint will break again and I'll have to have reconstructive surgery.

Gripe #10: I can't afford a dog. I can't afford anything.

Gripe #11: My living situation is not good. That's all I'm going to divulge. You're welcome.

Gripe #12: I can't grow a full beard. Oh, I can grow a killer goatee, and I do. But I want the full mountain-man beard, and instead it grows in all white-trash like Joe Dirt. I might be white trash, but I refuse to look like it. Hippie/granola/treehugger is my signature look.

Gripe #13: Hillary Clinton is a bitch, Rudy Giuliani is scary, John McCain is crazy, Barack Obama probably won't win, Al Gore still isn't ready, John Edwards doesn't matter.

Gripe #14: I don't like politics, but they won't ever go away.

Gripe #15: Anarchy, while super cool, neeeeetoooo, absolutely awesome, what the hip kids like, and my personal favorite, is just stupid idealism , and well... completely impossible.

Gripe #16: I'm an idealist. I'd rather be a pragmatist. Or an orthodontist. Or a pianist. Or any other IST.

Gripe #17: L'ho dimenticato Italiano, e come scriverlo. Merda.

Gripe #18: Musicians. Middle C and B flat isn't that cool.

Gripe #19: Because of me writing this list, I missed getting my check into the bank before it closed. And I'm broke.

Gripe #20: Sweaty feet. Need I even bother to say anything about that? No.

I'm back, and I feel better now.

Off-line

2006-11-07T12:46:00.000-08:00

Andrew is unavailable...

Dicipline is for the sake of restraint,

restraint for the sake of freedom from remorse,

freedom from remorse for the sake of joy,

joy for the sake of rapture,

rapture for the sake of tranquility,

tranquility for the sake of pleasure,

pleasure for the sake of concentration,

concentration for the sake of knowlege

and vision of things as they are,

knowlege and vision of things as they are

for the sake of disenchantment,

disenchantment for the sake of release,

release for the sake of knowlege and vision of release,

knowlege and vison of release

for the sake of total unbinding without clinging.

Paravara.XII.2 (BMC p.1)

It's time for me to refocus myself. I'll be back, but I'm not sure how long I will be. Till then, take care everyone.

poison

2006-11-06T14:01:00.000-08:00

I drank a beer and a bottle of wine last night. This is getting stupid. I was going to claim that I am doing it for art, to help me paint. I was going to write about how stupid that is, but for any of you who know me, there is no need to explain, and I already said it was stupid the second sentence. I operate better on tea or coffee, not a bottle and drunkenness... at least in the long run. Sure it'll cause some inner funk to come out of my mind and splash all nice-like onto my canvas, but I will diminish into some sub-functioning human that can't get anywhere but down. I'm trying to fight it off, and I know that it's hard for people to understand, but that is my plight. If I could trade it for some other more convenient personality flaw, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.

The thing is depression isn't just hard for me, it's cruel for others. Understanding depression is hard, if not impossible, if you aren't prone to it. It's like describing color to a blind person. Sometimes the contrast of depression makes life more beautiful, and sometimes it hurts so bad that I can't hardly move. I just get tired of feeling like I drag those close to me down. It makes me feel like a burden.

I have a headache from the wine. I'm sure it was the wine that did it, not the beer. That sweet elixer of the gods has a real menacing bite in the morning. That was really stupid. At the very least, I could have drank just half. Thing is, if I keep going at this rate I will be able to down a bottle, and then some and not feel a thing in the morning. And that is not a good accomplishment.

studio

2006-11-05T15:38:00.000-08:00

I live out in the country now, on acreage, and there is a building that is perfect for an art studio, insulated, with electicity, plumming, and shelving. The only problem was that there was a bunch of junk in there from the landlord, and none of it was being cleared out like he promised. So last night I decided enough was enough, shoved everything to one side of the room, and put together the beginning of my art studio. I was so stoked to get a space to start painting again. It has been almost three years since I have studied art in Italy, and a year since I have touched a brush. It feels so good. I have had to re-stock my art supplies since they got stolen, which has been expensive, but it's been worth it. A few tubes of paint, 35 dollars, a few new brushes, 60 dollars, my old canvas to paint on, 0 dollars, couple hours of moving junk, 0 dollars, ipod given to me, obviously free, roomate's speakers for said ipod, 0 dollars. Getting paint all over canvas, shoes, pants, hands, and floor, and pretending to be a painter again... priceless.

I took some pictures last night, first night in my first art studio. I wanted to share the joy. :)

This is one of the projects I started last night. I call it 'The problem with Cities'. It's more or less an unfinished abstract test piece. I am trying to jump start my muse for the big white one in the background.

She's back.

2006-10-31T17:02:00.000-08:00

So I am figuring out that this is going to be something that will never be forgotten. I know there were AT LEAST 5 or 6 cameras going off at that party. I felt like a Vegas sideshow. I had random people come up and take pictures with me. This one of the first few photos to surface from the party that someone I didn't know previously took. I had a friend say that there is a risk of these pictures re-surfacing at my wedding (fortunately I won't be having a conventional wedding so I'm safe). The point is I am facing my actions with pride, instead of horror. Sooooo, here is another picture that has been flushed out. She's back!! Enjoy.

$1.64 whore

2006-10-30T22:23:00.000-08:00

Okay, at the risk of ruining my image of the manly man / drop dead sexy stud, here are some pics of me in drag. I must admit that I feel I am a hottie. These are the pre- pimp & ho party pics which are less incriminating. But they are more than enough to get the idea of how the Halloween party went. Ya'll wish you could pull that skirt off...

the ladies world

2006-10-29T17:03:00.000-08:00

I have caught a glimpse of the world that women live in. It isn't too bad, to be perfectly honest. In fact, I must say that I don't want to hear another woman complain about how bad they have it. Sure, living in that world might be tiresome for me, but I'm sure that is a good thing. I might post pictures and talk more about this little experience if there are enough people who are curious, but for now I'll be vague instead. My eyes are open now though. Girls... I am on to you!

2006-10-25T15:20:00.000-07:00

green eyes
light slips past walls
through windows and reflections
those known and unknown
make their rounds around me
the coffee and conversation
sold and packaged and consumed

it twists my stomach to be here

letting go of now for later
the sun fades on another day
and i remain there
looking foreword to green eyes

handwritten on page 66

2006-10-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

Winter Chills, From Autumn's Pass

From perfection rises conflict,
Nothing not said is left.
She looks haunting and beautiful,
a black dress under black hair.
A child of sirens and crows,
A dream of autumn's falling leaves,
And turning shades of color,
Green to red to yellow.
Like me, they begin to fall.
In a natural way to myself,
always tripping on change.

The chill of winter's breath
Is not yet under my skin.
Her ever growing coldness is
not yet in season.
But colors of red and yellow
Remind me that soon the leaves,
Once green, vibrant, warm

Will fall.

2006-10-22T22:48:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a Sylvia Plath
Busted tooth and a smile
And cigarette ashes in her drink
The kind that goes out and then sleeps for a week
The kind that goes out on her
To give me a reason, for well, I dunno

And maybe she'd take me to France
Or maybe to Spain and she'd ask me to dance
In a mansion on the top of a hill
She'd ash on the carpets
And slip me a pill
Then she'd get pretty loaded on gin
And maybe she'd give me a bath
How I wish I had a Sylvia Plath

And she and I would sleep on a boat
And swim in the sea without clothes
With rain falling fast on the sea
While she was swimming away, she'd be winking at me
Telling me it would all be okay
Out on the horizon and fading away
And I'd swim to the boat and I'd laugh
I gotta get me a Sylvia Plath

And maybe she'd take me to France
Or maybe to Spain and she'd ask me to dance
In a mansion on the top of a hill
She'd ash on the carpets
And slip me a pill
Then she'd get pretty loaded on gin
And maybe she'd give me a bath
How I wish I had a Sylvia Plath
I wish I had a Sylvia Plath

ryan adams

muerte las vegas

2006-10-18T20:17:00.000-07:00

I was going to write about my trip to Las Vegas to see Allison and go to a wedding (viva las vegas wedding chapel, check it out, it was a trip, and I still laugh about it), but what happens there is supposed to stay there so I hear. So fine, I'll play ball. But I still can't contain my disdain for that place. It is the most terrible place in this country. I firmly believe that.

But not all was lost. I got to spend time with Allison.

I don't think I can explain how I feel about her in a way that would be adequate, or in a way that wouldn't make me feel naked in front of the world. But I have found myself in love in a way that I have never felt before. She amazes me every day.

To quote Andre 3000, she might be the one, and if not, she is the prototype.

******

On another note, this Halloween I am dressing in drag. I have a lot of learning to do, and choices to make. Heels or gogo boots? I am going for a tacky $2 whore look, though Allison, my pimp, is too far away to come... I'm still her bitch, so I figured it would be the right time to show it. Advice please about that and whether or not a feather boa will cheapen me to $1.64 hoe status.

a rant

2006-10-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

I am getting the itch to walk away from all the things I have been working towards for a more spontaneous life. It has been a long time since I have been able to indulge my innermost interests. My career is fulfilling, don't get me wrong, and it will allow for a pretty good lifestyle. But I have too many things I want to do, and I'm feeling tied down. I'd like to see if I could make it in the art scene with my painting and photography, and I'd like to get involved in film and music. I have connections that could help me get a foot in the industry. I would like to get a primal music group together too. I would like to finish my book. I would like to teach yoga. I would like to see if I could get anywhere as an athlete and cyclist. I would love to move to New Zealand for a while. I would love to move to New York with Allison to see where that would go and to see if I could scrape together money for food and rent. I would love to do something completely illogical purely because life is short. I would like to spend a year at a Buddhist monastery just to grow as a person. I would love to tour the country from city to city, and then do it again on my road bike. I want to paraglide and fly fish in Chile, and freesolo the ocean walls in Thailand.

I am complaining about this knowing that it isn't a legitimate gripe. I should be content right now. I will be building my own place next spring with my brother and a friend, I have a teaching offer on the table at the airport, I live in one the the most ideal places for my interests, et cetera. So why do I feel like throwing it away? Why do I feel like quitting after a very expensive education and much hard work? Jason says it'll be worth it once I get past this little hurdle. I tend to agree. But life is short, and sometimes for the sake of my future, and the sake of security (which really doesn't exist) I am missing out on something. Is it a case of seeing greener pastures elsewhere, or am I genuinely stuck in a rut of routine that, while rewarding, is growing evermore dull?

Am I feeling the yearnings for a life that I used to live, one full of wandering, art, freedom, new people and experiences, and occasionally depression (which would lead to more art), or am I just experiencing the consequences of dating a gypsy? I feel so old and boring in comparison, and I can't imagine why she would be interested in the happenings of my life. In fact, I know I will have a hard time keeping up with hers. Maybe that's good though. There is the possibility that just like opposite personalities attract in some ways, opposite lives follow the same rule. While she and I are amazingly good for each other, our lives are so different. Maybe I make her feel grounded while she makes me feel somewhat free.

Maybe I am thinking too hard about it all. Maybe I should be grateful; I am fortunate. I may whine, but don't let it fool ya, I am stoked. I must be I love... *wanders off singing*

fresh love

2006-09-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a bit like a zombie today. I called Allison at about 2am and didn't get off the phone 'till 8:30am. Needless to say, I didn't sleep. Then my mum brought me breakfast and coffee, helped me pack for a couple hours, and then I took a short nap. I was woken up by my new roomie and the kid to take a load over to the house. My brain just isn't working today. It took waaaaay to long for one trip with my couch, a chair, matress, coffee table and shelf. Now I'm waiting for my dad's truck so I can finish moving all my stuff. I own entirely too much stuff for a bachelor.

Fresh love makes one do stupid things.

movin' out on the range!

2006-09-25T23:58:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I am moving from my spacious apartment to my friend's house, with her kid every other week, and from what I am told, now one of her friends for a few months. I haven't packed one box, and she's bringing the trailer tomorrow, 10am. My mother volunteered to bring coffee and breakfast around 8am and help me. This is going to be interesting... can you tell I am not that excited? But it's more affordable, so move I shall, but profit I will...

The part I am most sad about is that I'll be further from my favorite coffee shop and the rest of the city, instead of just down the street. I will be out in the sticks. And when I say sticks, I mean out by horse ranches. It is on a gravel road. The best part is the neighbors have donkeys, no joke. I won't be getting many calls either, since I get next to zero service.

But this isn't all bad. She'll be a good roomie, and I won't have problems with yelling neighbors by my door. If things work out right, this time next year I will be sitting in a place that I have built, 1/2 mile from downtown and my favorite coffee shop, and about two blocks from the best burritos in town. I can see it now...

2006-09-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

I am such a girl. I'm sensative. I'm emotional. Coach is right, I might over react sometimes. Maybe I've just been burned enough times that I'm hyper-cynical. But things might be different (knock on wood)..I'm going to O'ahu for a week for Thanksgiving to visit Allison! I feel all warm and fuzzy inside, let's hope it lasts.

falling apart

2006-09-20T01:10:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure what I feared would happen, is happening... why am I not supprised.

fire water.

2006-09-16T02:27:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't be on here; I've been drinking. But when I drink (which is rare these days) I tend to want to write. So here I am, stuck in a monologue that will probably not come out right. At least from what I can tell I can still spell somewhat. I won't use spell check either-- just for posterity. Okay, that's a lie, just used it to check the word posterity. From now on, it's just a rant that I won't re-read. I promise.

It's funny how quickly one can spiral into ... whatever it is I have become in this moment. You could probably define it as me being pathetic, or maybe something else, but be careful, I'm not depressed. I should be, that's one thing I am sure of. Not because my life is so bad, but because I could be so fucking miserable in my great life. I've done well, and I've been fortunate. Instead of thinking about how many amazing people I have known deeply, I think about how they aren't here now. My philosophy and religion explains it as suffering caused by desire-- a desire that isn't met. And there you go. I need to stop the wanting. It usually works to try and see it in that way. But I made the mistake of spending an evening doing my laundry and drinking and watching movies.

It's Friday night and here I am, 2:35 a.m. counting down to December, which, I must say, brings good tidings. First and foremost (only because I'm going in order), my birthday (7th). Born on Pearl Harbor day. That's a horrible day to be born on. Then again, I know someone who has thier wedding anniversary on 9/11. I guess it could be worse. Okay, next, Allison will be back on the mainland, and I can see her. She is bringing me flowers. I was once asked if I would like recieving flowers from a woman... I think I will. Then my sister(in law... I hate adding that part, but otherwise people get confused) will be popping out a baby boy(16th). I can't wait... the next generation of Cheney, God help us all. These genes can't be stopped!!! Then my sister is getting married(22nd)... to a Burgman. I want to dislike him, but he's too likable.

Then Christmas. While it's not my holliday, it's my family's, and I love them, and so it is a good day of celibration. Secretly, I always wished I could believe what they do, but try as I did, I couldn't. All growing up. But hey, not everyone gets to be apart of the family religious club. I was never very good at it, and accept for the whole pacifist thing I'm not even a good Buddhist. But that's neither her nor there. I'm excited. Not to mention just after December I will have my new job teaching people how to fly airplanes. Now there's a scary thought.

In the end, I think it is my insecurities that has inspired this. I finally met someone, and I'm frightened out of my mind. I'm worried I'll mess it up. I'm worried I'll say something stupid. I'm really concerned that I might begin to care for someone again, and it could hurt. She is thousands of miles away, living it up in Hawaii, and I have no idea why she wants to come back to me. She says she does, but what then? She goes back to New York, I stay here? There's not much future here for her career, and honestly, I don't know if she's looking for what I am. But I can't help myself. So I'll wait here nervously for three or so months to see if there's anything of substance. I guess patients is key right now.

Well, this ingen has had too much fire water. Time for me to stop.

Put on your reading hats!

2006-09-07T17:37:00.000-07:00

part one

I have had a week to be reckoned with. It's been fun. Jason, my closest friend from high school and his friend (or boyfriend, who can really say) Keith from New York came for a few days of relaxation- hiking, good food, meeting with old friends- you get the idea. I played host, which I love to do, but it was exhausting. One thing it also did was remind me how much I miss having my close friends around. All of them now live far enough away that it makes it hard to see them with any regularity.

And now I have added another long distance ...relationship. Here's the story: Jason's sister called and invited the three of us to join her and her boyfriend for dinner and margaritas at their favorite Mexican place. We drove there and started on appetizer and drinks, and ordered out dinner. Jason invited his friend Allison from way back to join us. I hadn't seen her in probably three or so years, and even then I met her only a couple of times. She was on the other side of the table, so I didn't even talk to her the entire dinner. After, the guys and I went back to my apartment, and she came along. Short story long, she and I ended up staying up all night talking. The sun was coming up before we tried to get some sleep, but in the end we just kissing and such instead. It was an amazing connection that wasn't there before.

I didn't see that one coming. Neither did Jason or Keith, and they were supprised that she was still there in the morning. Especially since she was leaving the next day for three months in Hawaii, and lives permanently in New York. I always had great timing.

So I don't know what will happen, and I'm not sure if I should be excited or depressed. We'll see.

And she says the ball is in my court...

part two

"The Source Weekly", which is the liberal dessert that makes me smile almost every issue, has printed a particularly delectable treat this week. I know I am one of the few who has the opportunity to enjoy this fine local example of the First Amendment, and that makes me sad. So I'll share part of the experience with those of you who are less fortunate.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that the primary purpose of a weekly newspaper is to entertain, and not inform. It is also most certainly not to be taken seriously. What made this week's read so scrumptious was its ability to entertain while also extracting emotions out of me. I also must mention that it's free.

I always start with the letters, which are sometimes the best part. This week's best came from a man commenting on Bush calling his critics "fascists". I don't appreciate the title, thought it gave me a chuckle. Somebody please pass on a dictionary to 'The Decider'. Being critical of my own society, its leaders, the policies, laws and beliefs makes me a patriot and an important part of this culture. Politics make me very tired.

What topped off the letter section was the "Crocodile Haiku" sent in by another reader honoring the late Steve Irwin. This one struck me right, in spite of the writer ignoring the very basic of haiku rules.

The next piece to put a smile my face was "Boobs triumphant: The golden age of rudeness and stupidity in America", a commentary that explored stupid people in today's society who are interested, or perhaps only capable of, fashioning crude insults to each other. She calls these people 'boobs', which doesn't quite evoke the right picture for me. However she does effectively describe these Neanderthal people that are running rampant, cursing out their car windows, and fully unable to use more than four letter, one syllable words. Thanks H. Bruce Miller for reminding me to laugh at those type of people.

The next page featured an interview with Steve Irwin, who happened to be in town shortly before his death. It was hilarious due to Irwin's humor, yet it left me profoundly doleful. I was never a huge fan, and in fact found his antics sometimes laughable. But sister met him, and said he was an interesting man. He was a perennial presence, and one that I just assumed would be able to defy death for a long time. People like him do don't die, it is the ones who fear leaving their house. At least that's how I felt. It has made me feel somewhat vulnerable. The things I do that some people see as reckless (and me as something full of adventure) could kill me. That is a reality I must face.

Following my wakeup call article, was another little piece of reality called "The Bush Lies". It highlighted a collection made by left-side political journal Mother Jones . Scary stuff.

Then several pages were devoted to historical buildings that have been somewhat preserved. One was my Dad's old retail building, with pictures from the late 30's to now. There are lots of memories tied to that place... like the old Chinese man who stood by me for several minutes while I was sweeping the sidewalk, chanting "Work faster! Faster, faster, faster!".

The best part, however, was the advertisement combination on page 38. Ad number one: Swami Chetanananda at the Spiritual Awareness Community, September 8. Ad number 2: Mary Carey at Stars Caberet and Steak House, one of the local strip clubs. You have to tip your hat off to Capitalism and Advertising. I taste some vomit.

back from Spokompton

2006-09-04T02:21:00.000-07:00

I just got back a few minutes ago from a round trip flight to Spokane. There is nothing more tranquil and beautiful than flying at night. It can certainly be spooky at times, especially since it's harder to see weather and storms, but over all it is always better than day. The ride is smooth, it is absolutely beautiful with all the lights, the skies are nearly empty, which means less idiots to share it with, and the air traffic controllers are mellow. We had to diver around a thunderstorm that was pretty impressive... lightning was flashing all over, and our storm scope was lit up like a christmas tree. Now I know it's best not to look, as to not lose my night vision, but I was like a fly attracted to a zapper... I couldn't stop looking at it. If you think lightning is impressive on the ground, try seeing it from the air. At night. Of course, I didn't fly towards the siren lights like flies do... that'd make a dead Drew. And really, what use is there for a dead Drew?

drew wants sleep

2006-08-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

My neighbors are still arguing... I haven't gotten a good night of sleep in days and days. This morning was so bad. They woke me up, and then after about 20 minutes, I might start to drift of, then the yelling would start. It's like the blueball equivelant of sleep. I think I'd rather just be tired and feel like shit than to think that 'sleep is almost here, yes, I can feel it, so warm and inviting!' then
!*bam*! More yelling, my "go away! you don't give a shit!/ I love you! why are you being like this? Why are you being such a bitch!" *door slams* ...and presto, awake again.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

my shoe part two

2006-08-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

I have figured out what happened to my shoe. Both my hypotheses were in fact wrong, and Jen's confession was completely untrue.

(I suppose John Mark Karr isn't the only one to admit to a crime not committed. Now I don't care about the story, nor do I want to learn much about it. However CNN seems to think it's worth covering. But this is neither here nor there.)

Apparently my parents and their friends who live three houses down play pranks on each other. So they thought it would be a good idea to hide my shoe where I could not find it (even using a headlamp). They didn't know they were mine.

SO, now it is my turn to prank them. Retaliation is just a short time away... I just have to come up with something good. That's where you come in. I want all the suggestions that you can come up with, as long as they do not cause permanent damage. I will post pictures. Now maybe this is the most childish way to respond to them hiding my shoe, but it is me after all, and I live for this stuff.

my last few days; an overview and a lonely shoe

2006-08-29T01:04:00.000-07:00

I have a story to tell. It's rather pointless and none of it goes together...

The last two nights the neighbor has been outside my apartment arguing and yelling with her boyfriend, or whoever he is, from about 12-3:30am. She has a son close to my age, yet she acts like a highschool drama queen. Even her voice falls in around age 16. Fine... she hasn't grown up. The thing I don't get is why she insists on having her yelling match right by the wall my bed is against. The first night around... 2:30am, I made the mistake of opening my door to tell them to tone it down, and their cigarette smoke went straight into my apartment, and hung around 'till morning. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep.

So I decided to sleep in until about 11am this morning. It was glorious. And guess what I wake up to? More arguing. She must like confrontation. I laughed, got up, got showered and dressed, and went to my parent's house to steal some food while they weren't looking. After I drove to the coffee shop to study a bit and flirt with the girl who works there. I think she might have a boyfriend, but I can't say for sure, so it's fair play. I drank iced coffee and studied until I got the shakes and couldn't read anymore. I went back to my parents to get more food. My kitchen is empty these days...

I had something to drink and some granola, and then thought it would be a good idea to go for a run since my road bike is still with the doctor. I grabbed my shorts and running shoes out of my car (I keep everything in it), and without letting my stomach digest the granola, I took off running in nearly 90 degree heat. I got to the trails near the national forest and a sign said they were closed. So I sat there and watched the sun sink lower into the mountains before I ran back. It was then that my stomach started cramping up. I went straight to the house, and took off my shoes outside since I sweated so much, and went inside. I was there for quite a while, and when I went to get my shoes to go home, only one was sitting there on the porch.

Some kid had taken off with one of my shoes!! Who does that? Who takes just one shoe?!? I mean, at least take both so you can use them! Of course, who would want to wear my old running shoes? Maybe a dog took it, but I doubt it. Now, the shoes were never that comfortable, but I can't afford new ones right now. Now I have to hop around on one foot... I hope that little punk REALLY enjoyed his prank.

laugh it up..

2006-08-26T04:32:00.000-07:00

I was cycling today when my back tire blew out again. This is the third time in as many weeks. Of course being the brilliant person that I am, I didn't carry that spare tube or pump with me that I've been meaning to purchase. So I am stranded waiting for someone to give me a lift home so I can fix it. Now, nothing in the world, and I mean nothing, irritates me more than a flat tire. Actually that's a lie. There are a few other things, but it's like getting blue-balled. I wasn't fully unwound today, and now what? I had only gone 8 miles into my warmup... so that leaves 32 miles left to ride that won't get done today, and my bike goes in to the doctor for a checkup tomorrow. So now I'll be two days behind. I feel like my training is constantly sabataged by some greater force. Training for 150k/century rides is going to take some devine intervention at this point, and devinity fell off the stool laughing at me some time ago.

I am glad I got that off my chest.

photos and memories

2006-07-07T00:10:00.000-07:00

I've been taking care of my parent's house while they are out of town... watering the plants, getting the mail, mowing the lawn, eating all their food and drinking all their drinks... all said and done I'm leaving the house in worse shape than when they left.

Tonight I was getting the mail, and inside I saw a picture of my family when I was about four or five, still towheaded, and still always smiling hugely at the world before it taught me not to do so. I got the unexplainable urge to go room to room and try and recall the memories. After gazing at every picture in every room in the house, I realized that my childhood was the closest thing to perfection I have ever seen. It is a dream I can barely remember, but it is still there, completely un-fettered and un-fucked with. I don't think I can provide that kind of life for a family. Not even close. I don't know if I would want to either, because it is debatable which is worse; having a hard childhood, or having one that is so unadulterated and flawless that adult life will always seem tarnished in comparison.

Maybe I am just being dramatic. Maybe the difference isn't so large. I may have become so cynical, so negative, pessimistic, so fucking depressing that I don't enjoy the beauty all the time. Certainly there are moments in life where beauty falls through the sky so hard that it drips through the cracks and ceilings.. but they are monsoons in a desert that I call my life. I must be jaded, because they joys that were there are stifled. I am not depressed. I have been there, and I know that feeling.

Good things happen, and I spit on the ground and glare at it. Who knows why. Probably because I figure since everything is short lived, why fall in love with any of it at all? Bali and Bryce say that I am in love with my sadness. Maybe so.

Maybe I am sick enough to smile when I hurt, when I am lonely, when I really shouldn't smile at all. And when I am happy? Well, I am just pissed at it reminding me what won't stick around. Or perhaps, I just live in hues of grey, and neither sides of the emotional scale have much effect.

Maybe I'm just lonely.

tonights thought of the evening hehehe

2006-06-25T02:17:00.000-07:00

Lovers make me want to vomit.

2006-06-24T00:24:00.000-07:00

redheads except greta, are the devil.

Ode alla vita

2006-06-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

I am sure I have posted this in the past, but here it is again. I love this poem.

Pablo Neruda - Lentamente Muore

He who becomes the slave of habit,
who follows the same routes every day,
who never changes pace,
who does not risk and change the color of his clothes,
who does not speak and does not experience,
dies slowly.

He or she who shuns passion,
who prefers black on white,
dotting ones "it’s" rather than a bundle of emotions,
the kind that make your eyes glimmer,
that turn a yawn into a smile,
that make the heart pound in the face of mistakes and feelings,
dies slowly.

He or she who does not turn things topsy-turvy,
who is unhappy at work,
who does not risk certainty for uncertainty,
to thus follow a dream,
those who do not forego sound advice at least once in their lives,
die slowly.

He who does not travel, who does not read,
who does not listen to music,
who does not find grace in himself,
she who does not find grace in herself,
dies slowly.

He who slowly destroys his own self-esteem,
who does not allow himself to be helped,
who spends days on end complaining about his own bad luck,
about the rain that never stops,
dies slowly.

He or she who abandon a project before starting it, who fail to ask questions on subjects he doesn't know, he or she who don't reply when they are asked something they do know,
die slowly.

Let's try and avoid death in small doses,
reminding oneself that being alive requires an effort far greater than the simple fact of breathing.

Only a burning patience will lead
to the attainment of a splendid happiness.

italian version:

LENTAMENTE MUORE (Ode alla Vita) by Pablo Neruda

Lentamente muore chi diventa schiavo dell’abitudine,
ripetendo ogni giorno gli stessi percorsi,
chi non cambia la marcia,
chi non rischia e non cambia il colore dei vestiti,
chi non parla a chi non conosce.

Lentamente muore chi fa della televisione il suo guru
Muore lentamente chi evita una passione,
chi preferisce il nero su bianco ed i puntini sulle “i”
piuttosto che un insieme di emozioni,
proprio quelle che fanno brillare gli occhi,
quelle che fanno di uno sbadiglio un sorriso,
quelle che fanno battere il cuore
davanti all’errore ed ai sentimenti

Lentamente muore chi non capovolge il tavolo,
chi è infelice sul lavoro,
chi non rischia la certezza per l’incerto pur di inseguire un sogno
chi non si permette, almeno per una volta nella vita,
di fuggire i consigli sensati

Lentamente muore chi non viaggia,
chi non legge,
chi non ascolta musica,
chi non trova grazia in se stesso

Muore lentamente chi distrugge l’amor proprio,
chi non si lascia aiutare
Muore lentamente chi passa i giorni a lamentarsi
della propria sfortuna o della pioggia incessante
Lentamente muore chi abbandona un progetto prima di iniziarlo,
chi non fa domande sugli argomenti che non conosce

Evitiamo la morte a piccole dosi
ricordando sempre che l’essere vivo
richiede uno sforzo di gran lunga maggiore
del semplice fatto di respirare.
Soltanto l’ardente pazienza
porterà al raggiungimento
di una splendida felicità

???!?!??!?!?!

2006-06-17T04:23:00.000-07:00

What the hell was I thinking tonight? I've gone and screwed shit up again. I am so stupid. I don't even take my own fucking advice, I am so angry with myself you don't even know. I ignore my own emotional vulnerability and I get bent over again. I knew better... I knew better...... I cannot fathom how I could have been any more foolish.

Lahiam? Mozeltoff? uh oh....

2006-06-14T03:02:00.000-07:00

I know better than to be interested in someone that is going to leave... and who will never really fall for me anyhow. So why am I getting that feeling that I might up and go for her in spite of the impending evidence that I will go down in a smoking ball of flames? I mean, she's a crazy redheaded Jewish girl who rock climbs and tries to teach me Hebrew. You know that is a disaster waiting to happen. I'm not sure why, but it is. That and it involves this messed up love triangle that makes my skin crawl just a bit. There are other things that should be impeding progress, but they don't seem to be working as they should. I just won't get into them. It's just a bad idea. I need to somehow curb myself a bit.

I am so back!

2006-06-12T02:23:00.000-07:00

I think I completely forgot about writing here. I have been focusing my energy elsewhere, somewhere internal that is connected with something outside of myself. Some call it a universal self or conciousness. I don't know what I am calling it. Being that this has seemed to turn into somewhat of a photo journal of whatever it is I do, I will post up some pictures of what I have been doing as of late. These are just a few I have uploaded at the moment. Maybe I'll put more up soon.

Trip to Joe's Valley, Utah, land of really pretty boulders.

Camp site number 3 of 4. The one before had mountain lion tracks and a torn up tent and equipment nearby, so we moved the next day.

It's called Maxi Pad. It makes you bleed. (v6)

Giving Maxi Pad a go...

Kyle

I can't say a thing that the picture itself already expresses.

The Hippy Van!!!!

Joe's

a tree

Ouch 1.

Ouch 2.

the Buddha on my hip

stuck a bit to the head

2006-03-03T19:03:00.000-08:00

This one goes out to the TRUE coach

2006-02-09T23:23:00.000-08:00

getting the itch... AGAIN...

2006-01-29T17:19:00.000-08:00

I'm ready for a change again. I'm really burnt out, shit I'm damn right crispy. I want to move out of the country again, and that presents a problem, because... well, it's just not practical. I'm about $50,000 in the hole, and NZ would cost more, and get me nowhere closer to something that means anything. I don't care much about practical, but... others do. What to do, what to do?

some thinking from the 3rd trip to the girls' house

2006-01-21T23:09:00.000-08:00

I am at a point where I'm not sure what the best course of action is. I'm also at the point where apparently any word over four or five letters overwhelms me. My mind feels like an academic paper weight. Nothing happens, it just sits idle. I don't study much because everything is such a pathetic bore. It's not like I'm above it all... except it really is; it's all layers and layers below me. I'm too bloody brilliant to waste my time learning a bunch of bullshit. COCC is the bane of my existence. I don't know how much more I want to do this. In fact, I know for a fact that I don't want to do this. Not anymore, anyway. Too friggen bad I guess... this is what I get for jumping into a boat years before it was built.

12:22 and counting

2005-12-19T23:44:00.000-08:00

I'd express the meloncolie I feel, but it's not really worth it. I've been listening to a song by Bob Schneider that made me sit and think of all the things that have shaped me... the time I got arrested in Italy, and when I got together with Valentina, had a beautiful time with her, yet never saw her again... and all those times I wont ever mention aloud again. I need something new, a new page or something. I need to leave this town, but I probably wont. I sit here reading books and feeling sorry for myself, most the time anyway. I get these really good ideas, then I just let them go.

I'm not depressed like that one time-- I don't drink anymore, so that's not possible. But I do have a constant coffee taste in my mouth from drinking that vile shit from Denny's late at night. I think they could degrease bearings with that coffee, and I'm more than sure there are worse chemicals in it than the cigarettes I quit a while ago. I need to head out to Southeast Oregon for a few days and camp out in the desert and meditate. I have been neglecting my meditations, yoga and dharma. No wonder I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Life's a big whatever anyway, right?

It's kind of funny how Christmas is draining me more than anything this year. I've had some strange Christmas weeks, one involving gambling on the Eve, and Ste and I suffering from hangovers on the Big Day itself, and the year before that with my sister in the hospital, near death infected with a parasite from Australia, so while this year doesn't top it off, it is uniquely fucked up in its own way. My apartment is really cold, though not as cold as when Bryce and I lived together, but much more lonely. I cook rice if I'm feeling festive, as there's no reason to cook anything special for one person. Maybe I should check out those mail order bride deals... aren't the girls Russian? and doesn't Russians all have Siphalis? Maybe I should stick to waiting for that girl with dreadlocks at the pizza place downtown to ask me out.

So time just keeps slipping by, muttering as it goes, saying something important, and I suppose I'm missing it. I have so many asperations, so many passions- good ones- and yet I get very few of them done. I get by doing the least ammount of shit I can to survive. I eat as little as I have to in order to be healthy, I clean only as often as I must to keep my house in order, and I study just enough to get by. I got a 4.0 last quarter, not because I tried, but because I got lucky on the finals. I'm hungry, but heating up some rice will fill my stomach until 4 a.m., and by noon when I get up, I will have passed the hunger stange. I will be able to wait 'till 3 or so before I have to make breakfast. The worst part of all this is I hate being this way. I am trying to gravitate towards a better lifestyle, but I keep fucking it up. Just when I almost develope a solid routine, I fall back into my old rhythms.

I wrote this the other day. I really want to write a book, but I'm just not there yet. I need to actually do something with my life in order to write a story. I realize that there is a reason most good authors are old and decrepid. We might as well call this Chapter One, Attempt Number 186.

"I want to write a fucked up story. I want to tell a tale that makes people think their trivial lives are not as bad as they really are. I want people to feel that their lives aren’t ridiculous and pointless. I want people to believe that they don’t suck at life. But this isn’t possible without telling lies. The truth is almost every person in this ingrown little existence – which we selfishly go on living without consideration to anything, or anyone else, polluting the rivers, oceans, forests, and cities -- is not worth the shit under my shoe. Yes, there is shit on my shoe. It’s caked on there from earlier today. I’ll tell you about that later. Right now I want rant about all the imperfections all around me that piss me off. Like the bitch that stole my job. I’m staring right at here right now. She makes really good coffee, and that pisses me off too. Don’t tell me that I will be laughing about it later; I won’t. I was once told that I’m in love with my own misery.
I live in a tourist town that we might as well call the new Aspen. It’s not Aspen, but it’s starting to be littered with a bunch of wealthy, worthless Californians. I really don’t like them much. Yesterday I almost wrecked while flipping off a driver with California plates. I tell them to come home, but they just keep on proliferating in the town, raising prices and lowering the quality of life. That’s right; they’re my scapegoat for all the rotten shit that goes down."

Well, I'll go read books from people who actually have something to say or a story to tell. Besides, I've been listening to this same song that has kept me in this sad, reflective mood over and over for too long now.

At least I wasn't convicted.

Thought of the Evening #1

2005-12-19T02:48:00.000-08:00

Yeah. Rock On.

2005-12-17T16:45:00.000-08:00

I need to get away from these people.

Waders, Fly Rods, Coats, Gloves, and Snow

2005-12-12T01:31:00.000-08:00

I went fly fishing today in the snow. These pictures really can't convey the beauty that surrounded us (meaning my dad and I) as we veinly tried to convince the fish that our nymphs and flies were edible.

It was a complete bust. Not one bite. For either of us.

I realize the upper Deschutes isn't renowned for its winter fishing, but I couldn't resist. Who can blame me?

How many people go play in 40 degree water, in the winter, and enjoy it? Not many I suppose.

Back!

2005-12-11T01:14:00.000-08:00

I'm back after some time away. Let's just call it personal improvement. Personal modification. My life has been hectic at best. A bit lonely, sure. But I've been loving it. I've found myself again.

During this time I've reconnected to nature. I am tree hugging once again. Every part of the natural world gives me peace, compared to the hustle and bustle of the city giving making my neck tense and giving me a headache. Here's the normal snowy view from my car. It's been a cold, snowy winter. It's so amazing to wake up to a fresh blanket of snow on the ground, pure and clean, with the air so cold it bites down to your bones.

Your Aura is Blue

2005-10-18T17:56:00.000-07:00

Your Aura is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart.

You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone.

Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

2005-10-14T23:51:00.000-07:00

im sick of hearing myself think, and im sick of bitching. so i'm shutting down my blog effective sunday.

2005-10-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

How many people get this kind of view out of their kitchen window in their apartment?

look what drew found!

2005-10-11T17:46:00.000-07:00

Hahahaha! I love it! Oh the things you can find on the internet when you're avoiding an exam...

thoughts of the night

2005-10-10T22:40:00.000-07:00

Better luck next time, I guess. I've little left to do but just keep on truckin'. Things could have ended as bad as the last time, and they certainly didn't, so there's always that to be gratefull for. I'm sad that things fell apart the way they did, but I am at peace now. Shit falls apart. One door closes, the other opens. So I'm wondering what that next door is. I'm game for whatever.

Another Jon Brion

2005-10-08T13:41:00.000-07:00

It's something unattainable
That you can't live without
And now the unexplainable
Has you riddled with doubt

Things began, things decay
And you've gotta find a way to be okay
But if you wanna spend the day
Wondering what it's all about
Go and knock yourself out

Why we're put in this mess
Is anybody's guess
It might be a test
Or it might not be anything
To be too worried about
But if you're still in doubt
Go and knock yourself out

2005-10-08T13:31:00.000-07:00

Jon Brion- Strings that tie to you

From the wrinkles on my forehead
To the mud upon my shoe
Everythings a memory
With strings that tie to you

In my dream Im often running
To a place thats out of view
Of every kind of memory
With strings that tie to you

And though a change has taken place
And I no longer do adore her
Still every God forsaken place
Is always right around the corner

Now I know its either them or me
So Ill bury every clue
And every kind of memory
With strings that tie to you

Oh and every kind of memory
With strings that tie to you

Listen to the song...it's good.

Yeah!

2005-10-08T02:26:00.000-07:00

After about 5 or more like 6 or 7 hours (after driving back and fourth from best buy, which happens to be at the FURTHEST POINT OF TOWN FROM WHERE I LIVE, IN THE WORST TRAFFIC), i finally got my wireless network up and running. It was an amazing feeling to get it going with encryption! That's right, I got the encryption thing going. I don't like to share. That also includes my internet connection which i get a gnarly bill for. It would have been easy if I left the network open, free to anyone who felt the slightest desire to use it...but nah.

Whitey and his new apartment!

2005-10-08T02:00:00.000-07:00

Bali and I cristen the kitchen with rice and tumeric chicken!

First cooked meal...

Living room

My office/study room.

My room.

I know...the lighting was terrible. But doesn't that bed look comfortable?

Kitchen/dining table (it's not a big enough area to be a room ;) )

Living room (oh yeah, a fire place. if only i had firewood and someone to get *cough* cozy with)

Some liken us to Bevis and Butthead, or Dumb and Dumber, and others. I don't know why.

mmmmm...milky. I need to go tanning or something.

wtf mate?

2005-10-08T01:55:00.000-07:00

People really over-complicate life. It really amazes me how something that shouldn't be a problem is made into a problem for lack of anything else to complain about. I realize that I probably do this to some extent. But some have honed this down to an artform. "Cheney boys are too nice to date..." I keep hearing that. Well at least my brother found a woman that appreciates being treated well and such. No such luck here. I'm scratching my head in confusion right now. I should learn how to be a dick, and see if females like that better.

Thought of the moment

2005-10-02T18:14:00.000-07:00

Growing out the winter shag sucks. I'm about a half inch into it and I'm already thinking I'm going to pull these short stubs out.

A quickie

2005-10-02T17:58:00.000-07:00

I love my new apartment! There don't really have any gripes, and I can deal with no cable, and in fact I like not having it. But no internet is making me feel disconected, disconbobulated, and naked at the same time. I feel like I am without a connection to the outside world. I have to check email at my parent's house. On top of that my car is wrecked. I suppose it's for the best, as that little sporty tin can was really a coffin, but I have become almost intimate with that car. I am taking it to the body shop tomarrow... Rest In Peace my friend, rest in peace...

How 'bout them apples??!?

2005-09-28T22:39:00.000-07:00

Now I am aware of the phrase "It pays to get A's, but C's get degrees", and to be frank (which I like being him), that is my motto. But I got the highest score on my stage exam in Commercial Pilot! Take that bitches! HA! HA HA! Okay, that was childish and perhaps a bit lewd, but...I'm pretty stoked. So you'll have to forgive me, I have earned myself the right to be a jackass for the evening. All said and done, I got over 100%, and the majority of the class flunked. I rock. And I finally found my new apartment (yeah, I know, 8 or more months later. I take my time. Besides, mum is a really good cook.). And Bryce is probably going to move in. So, Drew Land is a pretty cool place to be for the moment. I know I said it, but... I really do rock.

Why do I post these?

2005-09-28T00:34:00.000-07:00

Your Inner European is Italian!

Passionate and colorful.

You show the world what culture really is.

Who's Your Inner European?

Interesting enough though...

Drew goes Palm

2005-09-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

This thing is so cool! Finally got it working right! Downloading the notes on Blackboard from Aerodynamics and Aviation 250 onto my palm makes me feel something special. In my loins. Combine that with a camera and many other cool features, like getting it for free, makes me a happy camper.

AHHHHHH!!!!

2005-09-26T13:39:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

I'll elaborate later.

I wish it were only a film.

2005-09-26T13:19:00.000-07:00

Crazy bastard.

2005-09-25T12:57:00.000-07:00

very, very frustrated.

Letter to Bob

2005-09-23T17:48:00.000-07:00

I'm naming Aerodynamics after my old construction foreman, Bob, so that I have a more effective way of hating it.

Bob,
I renounce any type of friendship with you. I am spitting blood because of you, Bob. You evil bastard. You should be ashamed of your behavior, Robert. I can't understand you, and you continue to kick me in the teeth. In fact, you might kill me at your pace. Hey, Robert is like Richard, and Dick is short for that name, so your last name is Dick. Robert Dick, I hate you. Knowlege is great, but you think far too highly of yourself. There is no need for you to bring calculus into the picture. Even at your most basic level, you are an evil man-doer. I hope you rot to death....slowly at that. Sincerely,

Drew

FRIDAY!

2005-09-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

Hahaha! It's my Friday! You know what that means...

wasting time

2005-09-21T11:30:00.000-07:00

I think I'm trying to avoid studying. *GHASP* I know, I know, it's out of character, but seriously, I have a bunch of reading to do. Maybe I'll go take a nap. Yeah....

This is a test...

2005-09-20T03:54:00.000-07:00

why am I still up? well, I took this test. Kind of interesting. Check it out if you're curious.

http://beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html

1. Mahayana Buddhism (100%)
2. Theravada Buddhism (95%)
3. Jainism (81%)
4. Hinduism (77%)
5. Neo-Pagan (75%)
6. New Age (71%)
7. Liberal Quakers (70%)
8. Unitarian Universalism (68%)
9. Taoism (66%)
10. Sikhism (58%)

Those are the top ten, there are 27 in total...

fun with keys, books and credit

2005-09-19T17:14:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I realized I could not find the keys to my car. This was strange, because even though I have terrible organization skills, and I lose just about everything, I keep great track of my keys. So I grabbed the spare out of the drawer, and went on with my life. Today I went to get something out of the back of my car, and found my keys just sitting in the the trunk lock. Hmmm...I have been driving my car around a lot. I figure I'm lucky Bend's car theft program isn't very well developed (knock on wood).

Just got back from spending more money on books. School rocks. At least my yoga class doesn't require you to buy books (though it is suggested, and I will still probably buy them). It's fun to watch money slip away by the thousands... somehow it just isn't quite real yet. I figured that by the time I accumulated as much debt as I have now, it'd start to settle in. Guess I'll have to wait for when I'm a poor flight instructor making barely enough for rent and then having loans to pay off for reality to hit. So for now, I'm having fun ruining my future credit! Yeah, baby!

buhby life

2005-09-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

Starting school tomarrow. Okay, I feel a little bit stressed at the workload. My week will consist of a) class, b) driving, c) flying, d) eating, e) studying, f) or sleeping. Period. Weekends? Uhhh... the same thing minus class. No more life for Drew!

I apologize...I shouldn't have done that.

2005-09-18T13:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, ignore last night's post. I am back to the no drinking rule. At least until Cate comes up to visit.

drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrunk! Ubriacha la mia vista, la la la!

2005-09-18T00:09:00.000-07:00

Okay... I'm drunk. And very lonely. Funny thing is I 'don't drink'. Ooops. I guess that's what you get when you spend over a week isolated and by yourself. A drunken mess. The wine just augmented my loneliness... I really miss Cate. Bryce and Leslie blew me off today. Bali had me over, but then again, he is always there, and so somehow that doesn't make me feel much better. He's the guy that will always spend time with me. Suppose that's because he has a spiritual interest in me (he's also my buddhist mentor). He encouraged me tonight, but nothing changes the fact that I'm hundreds of miles away from where I want to be. Hmmm... desire. That leads to misery. Desire is from ignorance of the truth. The funny thing is I am aware of the truth, but nowhere the kind of man to stick to it. I did so well cutting out alcohol and smoking, sexual desires (okay, not as well, but I tried) and so on and so fourth. Now I'm in a dark hole. I really wish I could leave this place. But I'm fucking stuck here by myself. I could pull my hair out if it were long enough... I'm supposed to leave Cate a message. Her phone was running out of batteries on her way to a party. ................................OOOHHHH...... the room is spinning. I shouldn't finish this beer. But I can't leave a wounded soldier.

I really want a hug. I want to cry, but the reality is I don't have tears left for this life. Nope. It's thrown enough shit at me to make me feel like an old man. I just knew I shouldn't have gotten started with the alcohol thing... now I'm spiraling downwards into a stupid depressing state. Again. I friggen know better. I'm out. Peace.

this rocks!

2005-09-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

Okay, so earlier today I was wishing I could see a certain part in a particular movie (u.s. marshals, when tommy lee is walking around with a 9mm in a chicken suit...I don't know, it just amuses me...). I just got home, turned on the t.v., and low and behold, it was about 20 seconds before THAT PART. I'm feeling lucky tonight!

Oooh! Rain!

2005-09-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

Hmm. Cate went away on myspace. Wierdest thing, she's just gone. I don't think she'd delete it, so of course I assume the worst. I'm so negative sometimes, and that needs to stop. At least I'll be heading into flight training, and though I'm very anxious about it, I'm also very excited. Hopefully soon enough I can take a break this place, and hit up Ausie land. Or New Zealand. Or maybe Alaska is far enough away that I can stay on this continent. It's raining outside. We don't get that much rain very often, so I'm going to go out and stand in it.

The Hair Groweth

2005-09-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

My hair is growing! I used shampoo today for the first time in a long time. I don't know how I feel about it yet. I hate having to use more stuff (shampoo, gel)for my hair. Soap on a squeeky-clean head was much more convenient.

YES!

2005-09-16T13:55:00.000-07:00

Yes...

"So, are you happy with the election results? No?

I guess you should have gotten off your ass and voted then.

Watching the final results, it's obvious the country is pretty much divided, so here is my solution to bring back harmony in North America."

"After the merger we can rename the countries."

I have heard many people up here in Oregon that would be more than happy for a California/Oregon country (yeah, ok, Hawaii can join too). But joining Canada? Hell yeah, I'm game.

uh huh...

2005-09-15T21:47:00.000-07:00

The Dhammapada,

Ch. 16, Effection, 209-214

...Seek no intimacy with the beloved and also not with the unloved, for not to see the beloved and to see the unloved, both are painful. Therefore hold nothing dear, for separation from the dear is painful. There are no bonds for those who have nothing beloved or unloved. From endearment springs grief, from endearment springs fear. From him who is wholly free from endearment there is no grief, whence then fear? From affection springs grief, from affection springs fear. From him who is wholly free from affection there is no grief, whence then fear? From attachment springs grief, from attachment springs fear. From him who is wholly free from attachment there is no grief, whence then fear?

I should have gone along with this advice. I fucking give up. I'll do this to myself every time.

2005-09-15T16:09:00.000-07:00

So much is lost in translation and interpretation...

"...Anatta teaching is not a doctrine of no-self, but a not-self strategy for shedding suffering by letting go of its cause, leading to the highest, undying happiness. At that point, questions of self, no-self, and not-self fall aside. Once there's the experience of such total freedom, where would there be any concern about what's experiencing it, or whether or not it's a self?"

Anatta -The Concept of No-Self in Buddhism- by Thanissaro Bhikkhu

One of the first stumbling blocks that Westerners often encounter when they learn about Buddhism is the teaching on Anatta, often translated as no-self. This teaching is a stumbling block for two reasons. First, the idea of there being no self doesn't fit well with other Buddhist teachings, such as the doctrine of Karma and
Rebirth: If there's no self, what experiences the results of Karma and takes rebirth? Second, it doesn't fit well with the predominate Judeo-Christian background, which assumes the existence of an eternal soul or self as a basic presupposition: If there's no self, what's the purpose of a spiritual life? Many books try to answer these questions, but if you look at the Pali Canon -- the earliest extant record of the Buddha's teachings -- you won't find them
addressed at all. In fact, the one place where the Buddha was asked point-blank whether or not there was a self, he refused to answer. When later asked why, he said that to hold either that there is a self or that there is no self is to fall into extreme forms of wrong view that make the path of Buddhist practice impossible (Samyutta Nikaya XLIV.10). Thus the question should be put aside. To understand what his silence on this question says about the meaning of Anatta, we first have to look at his teachings on how questions should be asked and answered, and how to interpret his answers. The Buddha divided all questions into four classes:

-Those that deserve a categorical (straight yes or no) answer.

-Those that deserve an analytical answer, defining and qualifying the terms of the question.

-Those that deserve a counter-question, putting the ball back in the
questioner's court.

-Those that deserve to be put aside.

The last class of question consists of those that don't lead to the end of suffering and stress. The first duty of a teacher, when asked a question, is to figure out which class the question belongs to, and then to respond in the appropriate way. You don't, for example, say yes or no to a question that should be put aside. If you are the person asking the question and you get an answer, you should then
determine how far the answer should be interpreted. The Buddha said that there are two types of people who misrepresent him:

-Those who draw inferences from statements that shouldn't have inferences drawn from them.

-Those who don't draw inferences from those that should.

These are the basic ground rules for interpreting the Buddha's teachings, but if we look at the way most writers treat the Anatta doctrine, we find these ground rules ignored. Some writers try to qualify the no-self interpretation by saying that the Buddha denied the existence of an eternal self or a separate self, but this is to give an analytical answer to a question that the Buddha showed should be put aside. Others try to draw inferences from the few statements in the discourse that seem to imply that there is no self, but it seems safe to assume that if one forces those statements to give an answer to a question that should be put aside, one is drawing inferences
where they shouldn't be drawn.

So, instead of answering "no" to the question of whether or not there is a self -- interconnected or separate, eternal or not -- the Buddha felt that the question was misguided to begin with. Why? No matter how you define the line between "self" and "other," the notion of self involves an element of self-identification and clinging, and thus suffering and stress. This holds as much for an interconnected self, which recognizes no "other," as it does for a separate self. If one identifies with all of nature, one is pained by every felled tree. It also holds for an entirely "other" universe, in which the sense of alienation and futility would become so debilitating as to make the quest for happiness -- one's own or
that of others -- impossible. For these reasons, the Buddha advised paying no attention to such questions as "Do I exist?" or "Don't I exist?" for however you answer them, they lead to suffering and stress.

To avoid the suffering implicit in questions of "self" and "other," he offered an alternative way of dividing up experience: the four Noble Truths of stress, its cause, its cessation, and the path to its cessation.

Rather than viewing these truths as pertaining to SELF or OTHER, he said, one should recognize them simply for what they are, in and of themselves, as they are directly experienced, and then perform the duty appropriate to each. Stress should be comprehended, its cause abandoned, its cessation realized, and the path to its cessation developed. These duties form the context in which the Anatta doctrine is best understood. If you develop the path of virtue, concentration, and discernment to a state of calm well-being and use that calm state to look at experience in terms of the Noble Truths, the questions that occur to the mind are not "Is there a self? What is my self?" but rather "Am I suffering stress because I'm holding onto this particular phenomenon? Is it really me, myself, or mine? If it's stressful but not really me or mine, why hold on?" These last questions merit
straightforward answers, as they then help you to comprehend stress and to chip away at the attachment and clinging -- the residual sense of self-identification -- that cause it, until ultimately all traces of self-identification are gone and all that's left is limitless freedom.

In this sense, the Anatta teaching is not a doctrine of no-self, but a not-self strategy for shedding suffering by letting go of its cause, leading to the highest, undying happiness. At that point, questions of self, no-self, and not-self fall aside. Once there's the experience of such total freedom, where would there be any
concern about what's experiencing it, or whether or not it's a self?

-Thanissaro Bhikkhu-

Yup.

2005-09-15T01:46:00.000-07:00

Your Element is Water

Your power colors: blue and aqua

Your energy: deep

Your season: winter

Like the ocean, you evoke deep feelings and passion.
You have an emotional, sensitive, and spiritual soul.
A bit mysterious, you tend to be quiet when you are working out a problem.
You need your alone time, so that you can think and dream.

What Element Are You?

emotion of the evening

2005-09-15T01:32:00.000-07:00

I have that good old fashoned romantic feeling... I miss Cate in a good way. Also had a killer conversation with Jason at Denny's, but that doesn't give me the romantic feeling...or does it? Hehe...

Your friend Drew gets to chew!

2005-09-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

I am having the painful realization that my beautiful days of being absolutely worthless and living for my own petty desires/whims are numbered. Five days to be exact. So I milked it today. I even made a picture slide show so that I may cherish this day. And so can you!

So first, I walked around el natural in the house for sheer delight. Then for everyone else's benefit, I put my lunghi on.

Slide show starts here:

*Yawn* Goodmorning world...

I love this window.

But my eyes! The light! It hurts! Too bright!

Breakfast of Champions. No, that's not butter on my toast. No, I've forgoten what that tastes like. It's the yogurt butter-ish spread for old men with high blood pressure and a risk of heart attack...or something like that.

And as the birds chirped, and butterflies flew gracefully in the air, I sipped on my tea out on the patio and relaxed in the unusually warm sun. Ahhh...

Yeah. That's a satisfied Drew. Solid food, sunshine, almost done with Penecilin and pain killers. That's a good day.

Skin and Fishing!

2005-09-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

So yeah, this is so going on my christmas list.

hmmm

2005-09-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

So as I started to turn on my computer a tv add said that at this hour I don't need to be checking my email. They're right... I don't know why I'm still checking email...nobody is going to email me. It kind of creeped me out though. The tv knows I'm obsessed.

An evening with Bali

2005-09-13T21:40:00.000-07:00

Give us some of that tea and we go crazy.

thinking

2005-09-13T02:30:00.000-07:00

She is so beautiful. I look at her picture ever night, and for a moment I smile inside. There is a brief time where I feel she could be mine, and that I won't crumble. The honesty of it all is too sharp not to be severed completely. I wonder if I should say nothing, take what I can get, and wait. I wonder, if I let go, will I recieve as well?

monday night

2005-09-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

no cure. not one. i'm such a fool...

moments of electronica and metro-curious music

2005-09-12T02:16:00.000-07:00

"It's so hard without you" she says.
Herbert keeps chanting "I miss you..."
Don't worry, It's still only a reprise
Everything is just waiting with ragged sanity
To hear the words that aren't said

Throbbing in my skull,
thoughts scurry around.
Why am I still awake?
I swell, I stretch, I understand
I won't bother mentioning it all
It'll all shatter in my sleep
Waking up clean and foolish

I miss it
The life I will never live again mocks my efforts
The life I will never see sinks
The pearly eyes in and of the morning close
Mine remain unfettered
Unclosed
Tired

But that's all okay.
The music has changed,
and I'll walk on to find loneliness with an upbeat tempo.
don't give me the chance of losing face
don't give me the chance of fucking it up
don't give me a moment to create another mess
I'm not the man I know I am
I'll watch myself break and I will love it
I will eat my own putrid emotions,
Drowning in it all, licking it like nectar

But Herbert makes me feel good.
She talks softly on demand.

grrr!

2005-09-12T02:11:00.000-07:00

Apparently over half my bookmarks just disappeared for no bloody reason. I'm so angry right now. I lost a lot of irretrievable links. DAMNIT!

no more magic pills

2005-09-12T00:26:00.000-07:00

oh the throbbing! the pain! the reality!

2005-09-10T18:25:00.000-07:00

feeling so alone, and feeling like i'm losing all those that i care about. fuck.

finally

2005-09-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

Don't ask for an explanation. You won't get one. Well, you probably will, but don't ask.

allow myself to...explain myself...

2005-09-10T14:21:00.000-07:00

I feel I have the need to explain my excessive use of photos and my lack of writing. So here are the top reasons that come to mind. I've written this once, but my computer crashed.

1) Pictures are supposed to be worth a 1000 words.
2) Writing a thousand words is really hard right now.
3) Most the shit I write is negative and obnoxious anyway.
d) Coach B showed me how to post pictures, so now I'm obsessed.
e) Now this is easy, and being a bit loopy right now makes it a viable option.
F) I figure I'll set the record straight and post normal pictures of my ugly mug.
7) I am starting to lack the creativity to write more than a few paragraphs.
8) I had another bunch of reasons that I can't remember.
9) I can post pictures, watch Life Aqautic and be all out of it at the same time.
10) I doubt you would want to read 1000 words that I wrote.
11) Because Cate is beautiful.
12) Because I am lonely and bored.
13) Everyone likes pretty pictures.
14) Vicodin tells me to do it.
15) That and the green little men who visit me.
16) I need attention, and pictures are bright.

If you've gotten this far, it doesn't even matter. I'll probably just start posting pictures only, and make you guess at what they even mean. I'm planning on taking pictures of Bill Murray's man tits, for your own personal enjoyment. I can't really remember why I'm writing this. I'm rather confused at the moment, and I think I should stop.

sis loves me!

2005-09-10T11:24:00.000-07:00

Uhhh...today hurts a little bit more. Only slept four or five hours last night, and missed a cycle of pills. Maybe I'm just being a panzy. My sister made me feel good though...even though she's eight hours away, she sent me flowers. Nobody has ever sent me flowers before. She even had the foresight to make sure they gave me a 'manly arrangement'. I love my sister...

night

2005-09-09T23:29:00.000-07:00

One more hour and I can take my Vicodin. My jaw is killing me. I'm really lonely right now, and I can't think that well...

2005-09-09T16:24:00.000-07:00

Surgery is fun! I have been high as a kite for the whole morning. I don't remember too much but I guess I told the nurse since I couldn't hold Keith (the doctor and a friend of mine) responsible for my pain, but I would have to blame her. I guess I also said I'm going fly fishing tonight, and said the mum was the boss, and that I'd do what she said. My memory is fading in and out, but they're all warm and fuzzy, and free of pain. Well, some of it. Half my face is still numb. And I just did something with my cheeks that made my face hurt like a biotch...ugggg...that hurt.

This is your jolly good friend Drew still a bit out of it from anisthetics and some Vicodin...

Happy Drew!

And a few hours later, reality hit. Hehe... I wasn't in a good mood for a while.

I need a hug. I wish Nurse Cate was here.